PERNAH TAK TERFIKIR...

Hi~ Assalamualaikum | Pernah tak terfikir.... Macamana dan bagaimana dan kenapa dan seterusnya.

Sejujurnya,, If someone that read this blog from the beginning, they will know how broken am I. Shush~ go away the lonelines. 

Really,, I need to write thia so that after future of me came back here, she will read, and realise how she improved year by year. *pat yourself, and say good job dear myself* 

Long time ago,, a scattered broken young girl in the middle of knowhere she was abandon by her family yet they told her that she need to learn how to grown up. 

I was sad, mad and so ... lonely at that time. My only sister that I thought she will take care of me, send off far away from me soon I step my foot there. I was thirteen. They seperate us, like we an  adult that no need anyone to take care of. 

Sorry, this entry will be my longing feeling. Write for me, by me, to me so I realise I need to move on from the very dark past of me. The past is the past. 

Everytime I was reminded that story, my tears automatically jatuh. Perasaan tu, terbayangnya sedih daku mendapat tahu yang kakakku telah dibawa pergi. The only one of my family. 

One week, I was like crazy. Dah la tak boleh telefon parents, pahtu... Ko duduk dengan stranger. Nasib ada sorang kakak ni, baik take care aku macam adik dia sendiri. Thanks a lot to her really. 

That the beginning of the curse. Cursed by my own father that I will become like her sister. Lost her mind because their parent forbid her to get married with someone she loved. 

Years passed, my parents called me back home. Help them with some business, but my heart such a rebel teenage. I don't want to. I'm so comfortable being far awat from them, play with my friend, living on my own fantasy, and soon I realise my heart don't belong in here. 

I lose myself. I just want to do everything that I want  but I can't. As second born, I always living behind my sister shadow. That she is genius one, but I am the generous one. :) 

Live with parent that always compared you with others even with your sister make me sick to live. I just living by follow the flow. Macam lalang. Orang nak bawak aku ke mana saja, buat apa saja dengan aku, hati dah tawar. 

Till, my mother persuade my dad to let me take SPM as private candidate. Yes. I don't go to regular school, a.k.a I stop school after primary six. Complicated kan? But, that make me mature from my age. Haha Ko dah tua, sedar² la tu. Esok lusa dah 2020. 

Sejak tu,, aku mula pasang angan nak belajar kolej macam orang lain, kerja bagus macam orang lain yang hakikatnya aku tak pernah terfikir nak kahwin walaupun aku nak ada anak. Hahaha 

*mood dah berubah* 

Since that, my mom push my dad to send three us above to take SPM, and called back my younger sister to back to school. As usual teenager like them. Luckily them. 

Dan aku,, Disuruh belajar menjahit dengan alasan nanti aku boleh bukak kedai jahit sendiri, amek tempahan yet till now aku seram nak pegang gunting. Kah! 

Tapi,, disebabkan aku belajar menjahit cuma la di siang hari. Aku apply part time job as cashier di sebuah shopping Mall. The first one that working between us sisters. Haha Actually, bila difikir balik, aku yang banyak jadi pemula. Haha Kitaorang bekerja pun aku, adik beradik nak kawen dulu pun aku. Haha Not so proud about that. 

My dad was living in kuno mind that think why should a daughter belaja tinggi-tinggi kesudahannya ke dapur juga? Habis tu, ko tu tak ke dapur ke? *smirk face* 

End up now, he was itok kata orang Sarawak tek nak,, lepas belajar kawen, bukan nak kerja dulu ke, kasi dia duit. *face palm* 

OKAY,, STOP IT! 

Yeah, that's our family,, So broken mind even not in reality. 

I not want to burukkan, but the reality where I come from. Sometimes I was regret that, but deep inside he was our father, willing to do anything behind our back to do everything that we doesn't know. Kan? 

Lepas kahwin baru tahu. Actually our parent have such a bad comunication sistem. Us too. Sebenarnya lama dah tau, cuma tak tahu nak mulakan daripada mana. Every person on earth is broken person that living in their own darkness. Bak kata imagine dragon,, Haa, lupa dah lagu dia apa? teringat lagu Shadow by Beast pulak dah! kpop tak habis². 

Lepas aku dah selesa bekerja, tetiba macam berangan nak belajar la pulak. Nak merasa hidup as student seem like easy yet I was aboard my mission after one semester. Masa tu aku apply as part time student. Siang kerja, malam belajar. Tapi sebab aku ni jenis orang tak reti nak kaji dulu, so kena culture shock and lari!!!  Haha Lawak seyh! 

And I was, ah malas la aku nak belajar. Buat senak otak je. Kerja aku sekarang pun dah okay. Masa tu as part time cashier,, sebelum 2010 gaji rasa cukup je sekitar RM1200. Cukup la sebab senangkan hati mak. Bila dapat gaji je bawak dia p shopping. seronok giler masa tu. Pahtu,  bila dipujuk chief untuk jadi Full timer Me like,, Sekejap je boleh bertahan. Like was I can't in this comitmen. Payah! 3 bulan je bertahan. Lepas tu berenti. Dipanggil balik sebab dorang tak cukup cashier, and I was nak jadi part time je. Okay, settled. Boleh, tak ada masalah. Bagus jadi pekerja berhemah selama setahun. Soon, chief rasa dah boleh upgrade jadi full timer, aku jadi bermasalah lagi sampai dorang dah tak nak terima aku. Kah! Itu la kan, bebagus compeni tu nak kau, Kau buat main. Ye laa, muda lagi kan. I was 20-an kot masa tu. Haaa, remaja 90-an tak sama dgn 95-an ke atas. Yang sama, rebel je. *-*

Lepas tu,, lama juga menganggur. Dah biasa hidup ada duit sendiri, jadi tak tentu arah bila tak ada duit. Bila kerja kilang,, Seminggu je kerja, seminggu lagi cuti. Sebab I was heat shock. My skin was breakout till I was shame to go outside. That time, me became an awkward person. Once again. 

Setahun lepas, tu I was offered by my senior a job at Sendayu Tinggi first branch in Miri. Wow,, sudah la gaji masyuk,, ko pun boleh cantek.. But, when you really live behind people shadow, there will always had comparison between you. 

Bila ko dah sedap dengan kerja,, tetiba mak ko suruh ko belajar balik. Dalam dua tiga dua tiga tu,, aku apply tak sangka dapat dan itu la aku menghabiskan masa tiga tahun di KUIM. Dari situ,, aku dapat banyak inspiration but I was statue doing nothing while looking at others doing so well. I was jealous yet I not done anything. I don't have a encourage to move forward from my comfort zone. 

And now, as you know, and I realise I was at some stage that I should be proud what my past make me today. Really Nur? Who my parents was, that build me today, with their parenting, with some life struggle by myself and I still like lalang cause I felt it was easy to follow people step. Not to mention you to think the next move. 

Now, I am a parent. I am a mother. Having two kids with different gender and their personality, I tried not to compare them with my past. With my childhood memories. I really want them to be happy, be who their are, but I was emotionally drown with my past. 

I really want to be a good mom, try to find my rhythm to teach them. Wish me luck. I really do, to become a happy wife to create a happy family. A good mother to create a better child. 

And when I was 'walking' thru media social, I was broken again with comparing myself with others. So jealous that they can do it, while I'm sitting, laying here watching them to be successful. 

I was afraid. Not because that I am comfortable in my comfort zone, but I am afraid if I take that change, I would regret that or I regret that I don't take that chance? Which should I afraid of? 

I need to move on from the past,, stand and chin up, be proud that what achievement that I make till today. Some people may not know what kind struggle you through in. 

Looking at my children, make me question my dream when I was 8 years old. I write in my journal that I want to become a teacher, or perhaps a police. Now, I'm neither of it. I just a simple mother and wife. 

So, I should make it till my last breathe. In this dedicate job, I am a manager, I am an admin, I am a baby sitter, I am a maid and I am everything to my little family. Shouldn't I enjoy this moment without thinking,, what can make me happy from all this? 

I still can watch my favorite drama, I stil can goleng-goleng as I love to, unless with those two tiny me. I still can do anything I want. So, dear myself! chin up beb, enjoy your day. And do what you want to, and don't tell me that you regret every move you have to do cause that not change anything afterward. Regreting the past without doing nothing is not good for you. 

Rise, stand and chin up! Be a good mother and wife as you want to. Be a good listener daughter, wife, and mother so people around you will miss you when you gone. 

Till we meet again, dear myself! 

aienienka