Cerita First half tamat di sini

I was devastated. Again and again. Over and over. 

Devastated - ruin or destroy. also known as overwhelming shock. 

And I? Was grief with myself. Again. Naa, 10 years me back there same as here today. Sad! 

I can't see where I'm going. I was too afraid to take a baby step for changes. 

For first half 2020, Huh... July is begin. Where should I go? Move myself out from safety zone? Going for a walk from comfy box? 

There's a lot in my mind. Luckily I write this in the middle of night, where my mind keep whisper to me. U need to do something tomorrow. Change your mood. Love your kids. But, after I reset. I was lost with same core and routine. Same as always. 

Kids of course they grown up. Nayla is much 2 years and a month this June. And Najmi is take turn to one year next July. 

They already understand the crazy mom here. Playing by them self. Sometimes try to seek my attention. When I was okay, I smiled back to them. When I was in worst mood, I yelled to them as much my heart is broken. 

Poor them to have this crazy mom. Cried a lot, laugh by herself. But, ignore us for the most. She doesn't care either us hungry or not. She fed us junk food not the healthy one. She so selfish. Left us. Being our self. 

Imagine mom, tomorrow you would regret this? Us playing by our self, not talk or helping you? You done it now right? 

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 First half 2020. Can't see yet again where I were going. Sometimes I need to cool down for somewhere else. Doing my thing  Yet Idk what is my thing? 

What do you like? 

- I like watching drama, doing baking. Done some house work. 

No. The really you like. 

- .........  watching drama? imagine where I'm going. 

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Sighed. You still not found WHAT REALLY YOU WANT? 

Last year, I wrote down something that I might doing this year. The mighty have great plan. Put us at home together, rethinking what should I do again.

Now, back to normal. I lost. With these two kids. When in the middle night like this, I felt being me again. Loser! 

Thanks for their dad, such a great daddy in the world. Play with them, taking them to play ground. And the one they most like is Dad. :') 

The one their waiting for is Dad. 

The one their asked in the morning is Dad. 

Where am I? 

My voice couldn't reach them out. I was angry for myself cause can't be better me. I can do that. Yet, I choose not to. Silly me.

and now, you write about how regret you are. And talking about getting the newborn. Huh, 

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Me is dead inside. searching again for meaning of life. may tomorrow is bright as sun shining in the morning. May I can thinking the new plan for next 2020 plan. ☺

Oh, Happy Birthday oldest sis. May you will have your own kids soon! 

aienienka