Hi~ assalamualaikum | Rediscovery this day. 10-12 October. 

In the middle of chaos this morning, google phot make me smile a little bit. The photo that remind me how I met my love one for the first time. And actually ada dah entry dia yang Aien simpan kat sini tak lama lepas jumpa dia. Ada ja, nak cari link dia balik malas. Sebab nya Aien sekarang ni always write or typing this entry in the middle of night, temankan anak-anak tidur sementara diri sendiri tak boleh nak pejam. Or actually, curi masa sikit untuk jalan sini. Luckily these two kids dorang dah ada jadual tido yang memudahkan Ibunya melepak di malam hari. Soon,, I will manage others time nak update entry di laptop. 

Ah, bebel apa ni? Sudah-sudah la asyik nak menerawang je. Balik cerita asal. 

How I Met Him? 

Actually a planning journey become unplanning journey because some error. A journey that make others will think, Gila kau?! and that journey make me, always smile alone. Senyum sorang-sorang. Teringat dan terus tersemat. 

Kalau nak baca macamana,, rajin nanti Aien tag link dia,, tak rajin korang cari la past entry yang lepas. tahun 2015 perhaps. Or every year I always mention this date. 

The day I met him, hati terus terdetik, tenangnya tengok dia. Such a calm big brother. Bukan sebab Aien tak ada abang. Dia cuma itu perasaannya datang sekali kok. Ngak ngerti mau bilangin gi mana. 

Malahan,, masa kitaorang dok lepak-lepak selama tiga hari ni, consider a blind date la kan, make me thinking. Why the reason I fall in love with him even though tak pernah jumpa ha? Sambil sembang, teringat. How he make first call to me, when I said, I'm taking SPM as private candidate. Eh,, masa tu aku tengah konon study BM kot. Haha Teringat details pulak. 

The first and last call. Haha Shy shy cat la konon sebab Aien kalau sembang tak suka ikut phone. Ntah kenapa. haha

Bila jumpa terus jatuh tangga buat kali kedua. Soon, he is my fiance , and now he is my husband. 

Tetiba rasa macam ada yang bosan ke hee? Aien ni asyik cerita benda yang sama je. Lingering feeling gitu.. ye dak? 

Hurm. 

Happy birthday awak. >3< 

May Allah bless you with happiness and health, grant your wishes so that kami tiga boleh kongsi rezeki awak. hehe 

Terima kasih jadi suami yang memahami perangai gila bini dia ni,, layan karenah anak-anak bila mood bini dia ni swing gitu, be there when I need you. 

Thanks. 

Dah empat tahun kita kenal secara depan,, 

Sepuluh kenal atas talian,,

Selama tu enam bulan jadi ex fiance,, 

and now dua tahun lapan bulan jadi suami. 

ihik~ kbai. 

I was apperciate you for everything you done for me. Even more I always with my mood tornado. Thanks... 

😘😘 

Selebih nanti esok lusa kita tengok yaa.  

Hi~ Assalamualaikum | Pernah tak terfikir.... Macamana dan bagaimana dan kenapa dan seterusnya.

Sejujurnya,, If someone that read this blog from the beginning, they will know how broken am I. Shush~ go away the lonelines. 

Really,, I need to write thia so that after future of me came back here, she will read, and realise how she improved year by year. *pat yourself, and say good job dear myself* 

Long time ago,, a scattered broken young girl in the middle of knowhere she was abandon by her family yet they told her that she need to learn how to grown up. 

I was sad, mad and so ... lonely at that time. My only sister that I thought she will take care of me, send off far away from me soon I step my foot there. I was thirteen. They seperate us, like we an  adult that no need anyone to take care of. 

Sorry, this entry will be my longing feeling. Write for me, by me, to me so I realise I need to move on from the very dark past of me. The past is the past. 

Everytime I was reminded that story, my tears automatically jatuh. Perasaan tu, terbayangnya sedih daku mendapat tahu yang kakakku telah dibawa pergi. The only one of my family. 

One week, I was like crazy. Dah la tak boleh telefon parents, pahtu... Ko duduk dengan stranger. Nasib ada sorang kakak ni, baik take care aku macam adik dia sendiri. Thanks a lot to her really. 

That the beginning of the curse. Cursed by my own father that I will become like her sister. Lost her mind because their parent forbid her to get married with someone she loved. 

Years passed, my parents called me back home. Help them with some business, but my heart such a rebel teenage. I don't want to. I'm so comfortable being far awat from them, play with my friend, living on my own fantasy, and soon I realise my heart don't belong in here. 

I lose myself. I just want to do everything that I want  but I can't. As second born, I always living behind my sister shadow. That she is genius one, but I am the generous one. :) 

Live with parent that always compared you with others even with your sister make me sick to live. I just living by follow the flow. Macam lalang. Orang nak bawak aku ke mana saja, buat apa saja dengan aku, hati dah tawar. 

Till, my mother persuade my dad to let me take SPM as private candidate. Yes. I don't go to regular school, a.k.a I stop school after primary six. Complicated kan? But, that make me mature from my age. Haha Ko dah tua, sedar² la tu. Esok lusa dah 2020. 

Sejak tu,, aku mula pasang angan nak belajar kolej macam orang lain, kerja bagus macam orang lain yang hakikatnya aku tak pernah terfikir nak kahwin walaupun aku nak ada anak. Hahaha 

*mood dah berubah* 

Since that, my mom push my dad to send three us above to take SPM, and called back my younger sister to back to school. As usual teenager like them. Luckily them. 

Dan aku,, Disuruh belajar menjahit dengan alasan nanti aku boleh bukak kedai jahit sendiri, amek tempahan yet till now aku seram nak pegang gunting. Kah! 

Tapi,, disebabkan aku belajar menjahit cuma la di siang hari. Aku apply part time job as cashier di sebuah shopping Mall. The first one that working between us sisters. Haha Actually, bila difikir balik, aku yang banyak jadi pemula. Haha Kitaorang bekerja pun aku, adik beradik nak kawen dulu pun aku. Haha Not so proud about that. 

My dad was living in kuno mind that think why should a daughter belaja tinggi-tinggi kesudahannya ke dapur juga? Habis tu, ko tu tak ke dapur ke? *smirk face* 

End up now, he was itok kata orang Sarawak tek nak,, lepas belajar kawen, bukan nak kerja dulu ke, kasi dia duit. *face palm* 

OKAY,, STOP IT! 

Yeah, that's our family,, So broken mind even not in reality. 

I not want to burukkan, but the reality where I come from. Sometimes I was regret that, but deep inside he was our father, willing to do anything behind our back to do everything that we doesn't know. Kan? 

Lepas kahwin baru tahu. Actually our parent have such a bad comunication sistem. Us too. Sebenarnya lama dah tau, cuma tak tahu nak mulakan daripada mana. Every person on earth is broken person that living in their own darkness. Bak kata imagine dragon,, Haa, lupa dah lagu dia apa? teringat lagu Shadow by Beast pulak dah! kpop tak habis². 

Lepas aku dah selesa bekerja, tetiba macam berangan nak belajar la pulak. Nak merasa hidup as student seem like easy yet I was aboard my mission after one semester. Masa tu aku apply as part time student. Siang kerja, malam belajar. Tapi sebab aku ni jenis orang tak reti nak kaji dulu, so kena culture shock and lari!!!  Haha Lawak seyh! 

And I was, ah malas la aku nak belajar. Buat senak otak je. Kerja aku sekarang pun dah okay. Masa tu as part time cashier,, sebelum 2010 gaji rasa cukup je sekitar RM1200. Cukup la sebab senangkan hati mak. Bila dapat gaji je bawak dia p shopping. seronok giler masa tu. Pahtu,  bila dipujuk chief untuk jadi Full timer Me like,, Sekejap je boleh bertahan. Like was I can't in this comitmen. Payah! 3 bulan je bertahan. Lepas tu berenti. Dipanggil balik sebab dorang tak cukup cashier, and I was nak jadi part time je. Okay, settled. Boleh, tak ada masalah. Bagus jadi pekerja berhemah selama setahun. Soon, chief rasa dah boleh upgrade jadi full timer, aku jadi bermasalah lagi sampai dorang dah tak nak terima aku. Kah! Itu la kan, bebagus compeni tu nak kau, Kau buat main. Ye laa, muda lagi kan. I was 20-an kot masa tu. Haaa, remaja 90-an tak sama dgn 95-an ke atas. Yang sama, rebel je. *-*

Lepas tu,, lama juga menganggur. Dah biasa hidup ada duit sendiri, jadi tak tentu arah bila tak ada duit. Bila kerja kilang,, Seminggu je kerja, seminggu lagi cuti. Sebab I was heat shock. My skin was breakout till I was shame to go outside. That time, me became an awkward person. Once again. 

Setahun lepas, tu I was offered by my senior a job at Sendayu Tinggi first branch in Miri. Wow,, sudah la gaji masyuk,, ko pun boleh cantek.. But, when you really live behind people shadow, there will always had comparison between you. 

Bila ko dah sedap dengan kerja,, tetiba mak ko suruh ko belajar balik. Dalam dua tiga dua tiga tu,, aku apply tak sangka dapat dan itu la aku menghabiskan masa tiga tahun di KUIM. Dari situ,, aku dapat banyak inspiration but I was statue doing nothing while looking at others doing so well. I was jealous yet I not done anything. I don't have a encourage to move forward from my comfort zone. 

And now, as you know, and I realise I was at some stage that I should be proud what my past make me today. Really Nur? Who my parents was, that build me today, with their parenting, with some life struggle by myself and I still like lalang cause I felt it was easy to follow people step. Not to mention you to think the next move. 

Now, I am a parent. I am a mother. Having two kids with different gender and their personality, I tried not to compare them with my past. With my childhood memories. I really want them to be happy, be who their are, but I was emotionally drown with my past. 

I really want to be a good mom, try to find my rhythm to teach them. Wish me luck. I really do, to become a happy wife to create a happy family. A good mother to create a better child. 

And when I was 'walking' thru media social, I was broken again with comparing myself with others. So jealous that they can do it, while I'm sitting, laying here watching them to be successful. 

I was afraid. Not because that I am comfortable in my comfort zone, but I am afraid if I take that change, I would regret that or I regret that I don't take that chance? Which should I afraid of? 

I need to move on from the past,, stand and chin up, be proud that what achievement that I make till today. Some people may not know what kind struggle you through in. 

Looking at my children, make me question my dream when I was 8 years old. I write in my journal that I want to become a teacher, or perhaps a police. Now, I'm neither of it. I just a simple mother and wife. 

So, I should make it till my last breathe. In this dedicate job, I am a manager, I am an admin, I am a baby sitter, I am a maid and I am everything to my little family. Shouldn't I enjoy this moment without thinking,, what can make me happy from all this? 

I still can watch my favorite drama, I stil can goleng-goleng as I love to, unless with those two tiny me. I still can do anything I want. So, dear myself! chin up beb, enjoy your day. And do what you want to, and don't tell me that you regret every move you have to do cause that not change anything afterward. Regreting the past without doing nothing is not good for you. 

Rise, stand and chin up! Be a good mother and wife as you want to. Be a good listener daughter, wife, and mother so people around you will miss you when you gone. 

Till we meet again, dear myself! 

Hi~ Assalamualaikum | Home manager is harder than you think. 

Haa, gamaknya acaner kamu ni nak bercerita ni Nur? Aduh, aduh... Besar bete yer masalah kamu ni. 

Sejak dah naik umo 29 ni, kawe ni ghase tak seghupe manusia dah haa. Eh, bende tak seghupe manusia, otak ni da seghupe mesin dah, tak nghenti nghenti berfikir. Time nak tido pun sibuk dok itong bende ntah. 🙀 

Kawe ni cumanya nak belajo ler menghuruskan rumah tangga kawe ni jah! nak bagi seghupe oghang sikit. Kata oghang tu, ada anak kecik bukan penghalang ko nak buat mende apa yang ko suke. Tapinye ko kena cari ikhtiar lain. Kalo somi kamu tu udah bekerja kat luor sana tuh, kamu kena la bekerja keras untuk pastikan rumah kamu tu serba serbi cukup. pahe dok? 

-kamu tu, baca aje la dalam loghat mana kamu suka ye. Kawe ni dah bercampo bahasa smpai lupe asal usul sendiri diri bumi kenyalang. 

Eh,, sik kamek lupak kowh! iNgat jk. cuma pahm ka nisik kitakorang tuk kelak, nisik kamek tauk eh. 

Eh, bercerita pasai bahasa pulak kita. Kawe ni nak bebel pasal udah, penatnya berfikir. Mana tidaknya masuk muka buku dok skrol group kawan² dok suka ngemas. Kawe ni suka nak ngemas, ikutkan nak je buang semua. Tapi mende masih helok akhlaknya takkan ler nak dibuang begitu aja? Kan satu pembaziran namanya. 

Teringat ler pulok perange satu yang suka bebeno membazir. Laki kawe pun dah maroh dah. Suka bebeno membazir. Beli sana, beli sini.. 

Masa kita sendiri kerja, sakan membeli tak hinget dunia. Bila dah sendiri dok melango tengok barang menimbun, haa, ngange! 

Sekarang pun dah tak ada ke mana nak melawa pun, kat rumah aje ler.. So, baju zaman kolej dulu semua tersemat rapi dalam boxes a.k.a beg. Niat dari lepas pantang ritu nak jual preloved, risau pulak tak ada yang berkenan. Ye la, mak mak je suk nk beli² sana sini tapi tak pakai. La ni, dah inshof sikit haa..  

Inshof mende, yang ko dok follow hakak² bundle tu.. hadeh, hadeh.. itu buat cuci mata yang ui.. buat hilng boring. Skrol2 tengok deme buat sales, tapi kita bank yang tak terisi ni mampu like dan share je laa.. 

so, Hakikat sebenarnya menjadi manager sebuah rumah tu payoh lagi berat nanang. Kamu berjaya bentuk keluarga kamu, tahniah ler bete ucapkan. kawe ni ler yang terkial-kial cari rentak walaupun dah dekat 3 tahun kawen. Seronok tengok orang yang baru kawen dapat manage hidup deme dua laki bini. Kawe anak dah dua pun, baru nak pasang sampan ni haa. Lobang sana, lobang sini. Berfikir memang sarat. Tang duit datang, habis berkecai semua yang dalam pale dok suap nafsu. Heran tak? Kamu heran, saya lagi heran. 

Zaman semuanya dihujung jari. Duduk rumah pun terjebak dengan mende lagha nih. haha 

Udah ler.. penat pulak kamu semua nak membaca. Kawe nak sambung fikir lagi nih. Esok lusa kawe taip bende apa lagi yang difikirkan nyee. 

Selamat tinggal dunia!